Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
that may or may not have been my penis.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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