I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
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Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
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my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
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