I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
