when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
