We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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