There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
