Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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