I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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