god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
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I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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