If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
