I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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