Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
