just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
