Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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