oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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