Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
