She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
