Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Text me some of your sweat
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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