I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
