Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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