these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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