he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
