hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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