I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
