A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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