thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
