I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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