Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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