I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
