I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
