I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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