I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
