I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
