Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
