does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
