I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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