I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
