dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
