He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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