You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
