Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
