I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
