i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
