Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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