im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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