I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
