His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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