and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
