I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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