He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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