im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
