I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
