If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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