I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
