The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
