His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
